Don't ever feel bad for making

a decision about your own life 

that upsets other people. You 

are not responsible for their happiness. 

You're responsible 

for your own happiness. 

Anyone who wants you to live

in misery for their happiness 

should not be in your life to 

begin with.

-A thing from Facebook that made sense-

I am known as the Snapchat Queen. I know exactly how to get people to notice you. I know the exact amount of time to wait between sending something and posting something on your story in correlation with how soon the person you are interested in responds. Am I manipulating people? Or is what I am doing just giving the correct cues? Is what I create, this 'intrigue' if you will, real or is it a fabrication of technological implications? Is this the world we live in now? 

I don't know.

We took a day trip to Cincinnati. 

I drove. 

We had to double back to get his anti-depressants. 

I had to pick him up later than planned because he was still so high. 

We were going to the Newport Aquarium. 

The fish were going to be pretty. 

He yelled at me about my driving. 

I was quiet. 

He apologized and then yelled some more. 

I didn't know where to go. 

He did.

 He showed me. 

Guided me. 

I let him. 

The fish were pretty. 

He was bored. 

He wouldn't let me take pictures. 

I love pictures. 

He went from exhibit to exhibit the way I imagine he does with women.

 Quickly and without much interest. 

We got to pet sharks. 

He was like a child, so excited. 

In that moment I loved him. 

Then we left. 

He complained about the cost. 

He took my keys. 

He wanted to drive. 

I said okay. 

We stopped. 

I reached over to move the wheel to get us off the road. 

He hit me. 

I was silent. 

He apologized and then hit me some more.

I snuck a picture.

Passive. God-Damn Passive, if you will. That is what I was called by my first "boyfriend". He had a lot of other "charming" phrases to go along with this one, but this one was one of the ones that really stuck. What does "Passive" mean? According to Merriam Webster it is "used to describe 

someone who allows things to happen or who accepts what 

other people do or decide without trying to change anything"

But, in the way that he used it? I have no clue. The three months I was with him were the best I ever had and also the worst I ever had-I just didn't realize the latter until later on. Hindsight is 20/20, and it's a bitch. I thought about breaking up with him every single day. But then, every day I would wake up every day to 4-page long text that he had sent me in the middle of the night, (probably while in a drug-induced haze) declaring his love for me- and I was smitten, yet again. When I met him I was pure, innocent and naive. That didn't even last two weeks. By the time he was through, I was impure, dirty and used. Of course, he didn't see anything wrong with this, because it all benefitted him. And that is where my definition of Passive comes in. Passive to me means that 

I 

DIDN'T FUCKING STAND UP FOR MYSELF.

If I had. If I had just taken a stand, said a single word. My story would be very different.

I don't blame my parents for how I am. Well, maybe a little. I can't help it, okay? The constant back and forth bickering and the pushing and pulling my brother, Noah, and I back and forth, to and fro, is bound to leave its mark eventually isn't it? I know that my Mom and Dad tried their best to keep it together and keep the arguing to a minimum for my brother and I, and I know I was much better off than some kids in a similar situation, but it still hurt. It hurts when my Grandmother applauds my parents for the "excellent way they raised me and Noah". It hurts to know that she does not see the emotional baggage that we are both struggling to carry. It hurts to know that we must carry this baggage on our own. We don't talk about it. Noah has always been the silent type-he just stares at you with his big eyes and waits for you to say something, anything that would let him out of the situation. He doesn't want to discuss anything that could be potentially painful-That goes for my whole family actually. We will all passive aggressively skirt around an argument for weeks, months, even years, until one day one of us can't take it anymore. We let it all out-and it gets ugly.

I wonder how the Greeks would feel about us using their letters as an excuse to party...

College is weird. You find out so much about yourself, but at the same time you find out nothing at all. For example, I've found out that I am capable of spending the entirety of my bank account on pizza during my first semester here! I have also figured out how to effectively layer my clothing to protect against the blustery Ohio winter. On the flip side of these things-I have not yet found out how to have the relationships I want to have with people. I just don't understand. How does one make friendships that "last a lifetime", like they so adamantly told us we would, during move-in weekend? I am trying. Maybe I am just not trying hard enough. It's hard when there is no amount of heavy layering that can be done to protect yourself from people's blustery and cold personality traits. Although, I have learned that you can, in fact, pay for friends. Can anyone say Greek Life? Now, I'm not bashing it because, believe it or not, I'm becoming a part of it soon. But, we all know that it is just a game of status and wealth-much like life really. 

Wish me luck!

Who I would like to be is not someone that I am.

The me that I would like to be is simply not ready to be me. 

I understand and I wish to let it take its time, but sometimes the wait seems long.

And it seems I will never find the me that I need to be.